


Your spine is ablaze

by Princex_N



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Acceptance, Angst, Anxiety, Book 1: The Raven Boys, Brainweird, Canon Compliant, Delusions, Disorganized Thoughts, Dissociation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Gansey-typical self deprecation, Gen, Hallucinations, Insomnia, Literal Sleeping Together, Mental Health Issues, POV Alternating, Paranoia, Platonic Cuddling, Psychosis, Psychotic Gansey, Self-Doubt, Self-Harm, Snapshots, Supernatural Elements, ch2 includes:
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-16
Updated: 2016-06-17
Packaged: 2018-07-14 23:31:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7195679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Princex_N/pseuds/Princex_N
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>If it started in a forest with a voice whispering in his ear as he lay dying with wasps crawling into his ears, he doesn't know. </em>
  <br/>
  <em>But it is something, and it's something that Gansey knows that he can't ever talk about it. Because Glendower is real, and what happened was real, and he knows it. </em>
</p><hr/><p>Gansey is psychotic, this changes some things, but not much.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> title is from blue foundation's [eyes on fire](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v5JOAe-p9Bo&list=LLosXgriNvIg6ReKOu05HtOA).

He is in the car and they are on his hands. 

He can feel them, they are  _there_. He keeps his eyes on the road and doesn't look. Doesn't take his hands off the wheel. Doesn't dare to breathe too deeply, lest he disrupt the odd space of calm he's managed to find before he erupts into panic. 

They are on his hands, he can feel their legs, three sets of two on each one, they're crawling. They're on his hands, they're on his arms, they're crawling into his shirt. 

A noise not unlike a whine slides out of his throat. There's no one else in the car, for the first time he's grateful for it. 

With the first flare of pain, he can't help himself. He glances down at his hands. 

There is, of course, nothing there. 

Another sting. Another choked noise. He raises his hand to his mouth and bites down,  _this pain is real_ , he tells himself. The wasps continue their marching, there is a faint buzzing at the edges of his hearing. He forces his teeth down harder, harder, harder until there is metal in his mouth and a burst of pain as the skin splits. The wasps flee. 

Gansey puts his hand back on the wheel and continues driving. 

-

Technically this is nothing new. 

If it started in a forest with a voice whispering in his ear as he lay dying with wasps crawling into his ears, he doesn't know. 

But it is something, and it's something that Gansey knows that he can't ever talk about it. Because Glendower is real, and what happened was real, and he knows it. 

But he knows that he'll lose every inch of support that he has if he ever talks about the other things. The things that he's pretty sure  _aren't_ real, but that he technically doesn't have any proof for or against their reality. The things he knows  _are_ real, but then later realizes never existed to begin with. 

He doesn't know what to do, and he doesn't know how to help himself, but he knows that if help involves other people, then he'll just have to suffer in silence.

Because this suffering is nothing compared to what others have been through, and it is nothing compared to what it could be if people lose faith in him and leave him alone in his search for Glendower. 

Glendower and the magic in the Ley Lines are real, and he'll do anything he has to in order to prove it.

Maybe he is crazy, but he _is not_ wrong.

-

Gansey spots her from across the restaurant, and there is something about her that catches his attention and holds it. 

Gansey doesn't know how, but she's important. Drastically so. 

The term  _main character_ comes to mind, but Gansey shakes it off. 

That doesn't mean that he can pull his eyes away from her. 

She doesn't  _look_ like anything special, just a tiny korean girl with short dark hair. There's nothing that  _stands out_ about her, physically, but she's important and Gansey can tell. 

When Adam expresses interest in her, it only strengthens the feeling. 

There is something important about this girl, and she is going to be vital some time in the future. 

Gansey doesn't know how he knows this, he just knows. And he tells himself that this isn't like the other times he's had this feeling. This time, it's  _real_.

-

The room smells like nectar. 

Gansey knows that it doesn't _really_ , because this is Monmouth and there is no one here that is bringing in anything that smells even remotely like nectar. 

He does a cursory search for whatever it is that's putting off the scent, but the smell doesn't grow or fade no matter where he goes. 

He decides to simply accept it. It smells nice, certainly better than whatever the building smells like in actuality. 

Later it smells like spaghetti, which is odd and slightly less nice, but it does remind Gansey that he needs to eat, and so he'll take the positives where he can find them. 

-

Something is going to happen today. 

Gansey just wishes he knew what it was. 

He just  _knows_ , he'd gotten ready that morning,  _knowing_ that something was going to happen and being fairly certain that it was going to be a very bad thing. That's the only explanation for the way he can't catch his breath and how his head is spinning restlessly. 

Something is going to happen, and Gansey has to be ready for it, whatever it is, because if he isn't, then someone could get hurt. 

"Get hurt, get hurt, get hurt." He mumbles, distantly aware of the fact that he is actually speaking out loud.

Noah ducked his head into the room, "Did you say something?" 

"Not at all." Gansey assures him, not looking up from where he's checking to make sure he has everything in his bag, again. He can't shake the feeling that he's forgetting something, but he doesn't know what it is.

That seems to be a recurring theme.

He tries to take a deep breath, all it does it make his lungs ache.

He spends the rest of the day anxious and frustrated, straining for the pieces of vital information that are hanging just out of his reach, unable to focus on anything else.

When the day ends and nothing out of the ordinary has happened, there's a mix of relief and confusion, and Gansey spends the night wondering if nothing had happened at all, or if something had and he just can't remember what. 

-

It's three in the morning and an insect is buzzing against the window, the sort of buzz-tap that came from an insect with some size to it. 

Gansey lay still on his bed, listening. 

 _It's probably not real_ he tells himself. And if it was, it was probably something harmless, a fly. Some kind of beetle. 

Probably not a wasp, or a bee. 

Probably not real, probably not a threat. 

He gets out of bed, and picks up a shoe. 

There's no one else in the room, he can't tell if he's grateful for that or anxious because of it. 

There is a wasp on the window. Illuminated by the light of the streetlamp outside. Gansey looks at it, shoe held loosely in his hand. He tilts his head, tries to look for something. Some indication of the reality of this thing in front of him. It's distant. It doesn't  _feel_ real. 

 _It's probably not real_ _,_ he thinks, as Ronan calls his name behind him. The wasps wings twitch, Gansey tries to figure out if that makes sense. Ronan swears behind him. The shoe is torn from his numb slack fingers and smashed against the insect on the window. 

 _Guess it was_. 

Ronan asks what the hell is wrong with him and Gansey thinks  _God I wish I knew._

_-_

_They're watching they're watching they're watching_. 

Gansey can feel eyes on him, everywhere he goes they're  _there_ , and he doesn't know who they are or what they want or what the  _hell_ is going on. 

He turns a corner and knows that's where it is,a camera, he makes an attempt to hide his face, and then gets nervous. What if they know that he knows that there's something going on? What will they do then? Would they send someone for him? He doesn't know, he doesn't know if he's willing to chance it.

He forces himself to face forward again, stuffs his hands in his pocket and keeps walking. 

The decision to walk rather than take the pig was a bad one. He can't remember what he had been thinking. Can't remember why he had thought it had been a good idea.

Maybe he hadn't. 

Maybe it hadn't been him. 

He doesn't know. Deciding to walk rather than taking his car doesn't quite sound like him. 

It sounds a bit like  _them_. 

It would certainly make things easier for them. It's easier to grab someone when they're walking than it would be to take them from a car. Less of a hassle, less of a fight, less of a scene. 

What the hell had he been thinking? 

What the hell had they made him think? 

He walks a bit faster, debates if maybe he should just turn around and go home. Now that he knows that they're here, that they're after him, isn't he better off going home and going on the defense? Do they know where he lives? Most likely. It seems like the safest option. 

He goes to turn around and catches sight of a man a few meters behind him. Gansey turns forward again, panic making his head spin. Are they already here? Or is that just some random person? He doesn't know how to tell, and doesn't know if he's willing to risk it. It's safer to just try and lose him, better to walk away from him than to try and walk past him. 

The man behind him makes a noise. A shout? Is he shouting at Gansey? 

Gansey doesn't know, and he's not sticking around to find out. He takes off at a dead sprint, and doesn't turn around to see if the man is following him. 

He ducks into the store and hides among the aisles, and as he tries to catch his breath he tries to remember if the man had been real at all, and why he had even decided to come to the store in the first place. 

_-_

The trees are whispering, and Gansey's chest is filling with dread.

He doesn't know, he can't tell if these whispers are real or not. They're just out of clarity, he can't make out what they're saying. He covers one of his ears, the already faint noise grows quieter. 

"Quiet," he says, straining his hearing, straining  _everything_ to try and figure out what's going on. "Do you hear that?" 

 _Please please please someone else hear that_. 

"I do," Noah says, and Gansey sags with relief. It isn't him, this is something solid, a hint, a reality. 

He listens, and he repeats, and he does get answers, but the longer he speaks with the trees, the more distorted the voices get. The more voices appear. And these aren't real, he can tell, whispers at the edges of his hearing, voices he recognizes, but he glances around and no one's mouth moves with the words, and when he covers his ear, they are as loud as they were. 

He swallows panic, the whispers are drowning out the trees, and if Gansey loses this, he might not get the answers that he needs. Anxiety is strangling him, and he glances at the others and they're  _looking_ at him, like they know, but they shouldn't and they  _can't_. His stomach is a growing pool of dread, he tries not to focus on the buzzing of wasps that are coming from his throat. He asks a question and knows that it is the last he'll get to ask. 

He thanks the trees for answering before their voices were drowned out completely by wasps and nonsense words from people who aren't there. He tries to focus on the gratefulness, but all he can feel is cloying disappointment and a thick sense of  _failure_. 

-

It's one in the morning and Gansey cannot sleep. 

His thoughts are spinning, going seemingly thousands of miles per hour, and he tries to keep up, tries to get a handle of what's going on, but he can't. 

It's so frustrating, he's near tears he can't focus on anything and he can't think straight and he's  _so confused_ and he can't figure out what's going on or why this is happening or what

"What's wrong?" The voice is small, hushed, and when Gansey rolls over he can barely make out Noah's shape in the darkness. 

"Headache." He grinds out, because that's the closet approximation he can come up with for the dizziness of his thoughts and the only explanation he can find for the tears in his eyes that won't go away. 

Noah hesitates only slightly before crawling into the bed with Gansey, who allows it if only because he can't make himself stop long enough to figure out what's going on. 

Noah's arms wrap around him, and Gansey presses himself against Noah's chest and tries to orient himself. 

_This is real, this is real, this is real._

-

It's dark and Monmouth is quiet and Gansey can't catch his breath. 

He's calling out for Noah, trying to think, trying to remember. What had happened earlier was real, Blue had been there, and she had seen too. She had realized too. 

But she's not there now, and Gansey can't shake the anxiety that it never happened in the first place. 

The longer he thinks about it, the more he wants to keep quiet. Keep the discovery to himself, until he can make sure that it really was real. Just in case. 

But Adam and Ronan are already there, looking confused and faintly irritated and Blue is expected Gansey to tell them tonight and he can't put it off. He wishes that she had come with him. 

 _We were in the forest, we found the bones, the ID in the wallet was Noah's_. He can remember it all happening, it  _happened_. 

But it wouldn't be the first time that he'd thought something had happened only to find out that nothing really had. 

He feels like he's suffocating. 

"Does he pay rent? When did he move in? Have you ever questioned it?" He has to make sure that they can see the same things that he can. No one ever can, this  _has_ to be different. 

"Dude, you really have left the reservation." Ronan says, and Gansey tries to hide his wince, "What is your problem?" 

The explanation rushes out, desperation making his words quick. "I spent the afternoon with the police." He says, the police had been there too, they had seen the body too. "I went out with Blue to the church-" He glances at them, they're not  _listening_ , "Don't look at me like that. We found a body. Rotted to the bones." _It had been real, it had been real, it had been real_. "Do you know whose it was?" 

The only sound is the rapid sound of Gansey's breathing. 

When the door slams shut, Gansey doesn't react until the others do. He's seen and heard things slamming shut too often to be surprised by them anymore, what's surprising is the fact that apparently this time, it's real. 

"Mine," Noah's voice says, and there's a surge of relief that is rapidly drowned out by abject horror. 

The tall lanky boy in the doorway is  _dead_. Gansey is friends with a dead boy, someone who had been _killed_. 

"What's going on?", he wonders aloud, and no one has a satisfactory answer. 

-

There has been too much going on lately, and Gansey doesn't know how to deal with it all. 

Everything is changing, too quickly for him to be comfortable with. It's hard to keep a handle on a situation when things are changing as quickly as they are. When things are going wrong as rapidly as they have been. 

It's a mess. He's a mess, and he wonders how long it will be before someone else notices. 

He's sitting among his replicated Henrietta, trying to get his shaking hands under control so that he can cut out a cardboard piece in the proper shape. He's not doing the best job. 

He tries to talk himself through what he knows will be happening, but there's so much that is going to happen and there is so much that has happened that it isn't as effective a grounding technique as it has been in the past. 

His phone buzzes, and anxiety flares in his chest because anyone trying to contact him this late could only be in trouble. He fumbles in the dark for it, frantically, but when he picks it up and looks at the screen, there's nothing there. 

Frustration wells up in his chest as he stares at the phone, a notification flickers into existence and then out before Gansey can see who it is. 

He tosses the phone at his bed, where it lands with a muffled thump. He takes a deep breath and tries to refocus on the town, picking up the x-acto knife and the piece of cardboard he'd been working with earlier, before he'd gotten distracted. 

" _Gansey_ " someone whispers, and he looks up, eyes searching. He doesn't see Noah or Ronan. 

"Yes?" He calls quietly, just in case. 

 _"Gansey"_ comes the whisper again, and Gansey scowls, dropping the tools and burying his head in his knees, silently begging them to stop and leave him alone for just  _one_ night. 

Just _one night_ , he would like to actually sleep. 

-

His Latin teacher is standing in front of him in the middle of a dark nowhere road with a gun in his hand, and the only thing Gansey can think is " _Is this real?_ " 

It seems a little bit too ridiculous to be real. 

"That book you bring to class. And your cell phone. Hurry up."

He's being mugged by his Latin teacher. That doesn't just happen to people. He almost wants to laugh, but finds himself unable to. 

"Well, okay." He says, because what else does one say in a situation like this? 

The entire situation plays out like a dream, and Gansey plays along because he doesn't know how else to react, and it isn't until there's the cool press of metal against his forehead that Gansey realizes, _this is real_. 

He's a bit startled by that, but he pushes back the confusion as he makes a fist, because if Gansey knows anything about what's going on, it's this:

If this is real, he isn't going to let himself die here. 

-

He's at Blue's house, and he keeps flinching. 

He's surrounded by cabinets that keep warping and opening and slamming shut by themselves, and judging by the way that no one else seems bothered by it, he's the only one that can see it. 

It doesn't help that he keeps seeing vague shapes in the corners of his eyes, shapes that he knows are Whelk, coming back to finish what he'd started. 

But when he turns to look, there's no one there, and Gansey has to fight frustration and anxiety as he waits to encounter it again. 

The woman with the long pale hair is staring at him, unblinkingly. She knows something. 

It makes him uncomfortable, and desperate to just sit still and hide, but the cabinet opens and shuts and there are fingers on the back of his neck, and he can't stop himself from flinching away from them. 

She tilts her head, he tries not to look at her. As if not being able to see her would prevent her from seeing him. 

He knows that it won't work. It never matters if you can't see them, there is always  _something_ that can see you. 

There is always someone watching. 

-

Adam isn't safe, and it's all Gansey's fault. 

Of course it is, because whose else  _would_ it be, if not Gansey's, who is apparently unable to keep his thoughts straight and his mouth shut. 

Adam is outside of the car, when the only safe place is the car. Gansey needs to get Adam back inside the car. 

"Where are you going? Where do you have to go?" Adam doesn't look back, he doesn't stop walking. Gansey fights to keep himself calm, but he can't because, "Just tell me not back there." Not that it makes a difference, because Adam's father is dangerous and Whelk is dangerous and they could be anyone and anywhere, and it's dark and Gansey isn't convinced that he could fight either man off, the first time had been a fluke. Adam needs to get back in the car because it is  _not safe outside of it_. "It doesn't have to be Monmouth, but please let me take you wherever you're going." 

And Adam stops, and gets back in the car, which is good, but the look on Adam's face keeps Gansey from being happy about it. 

 _You did this, you utter fuckup,_ someone whispers, but not anyone inside the car. 

"It doesn't matter how you say it." Adam says, and it takes Gansey a moment to realize that  _this_ is Adam actually speaking. "It's what you wanted, in the end. All your things in one place, all under your roof. Everything you own right where you can see it..." 

And Gansey wants to argue that that's not it, but he doesn't. Because in a way, it's true. Gansey wants everyone where he can see them because for some reason, he's the only one that can see the threats that are there. He is the only one that can keep these people safe, and that's his  _job_ , to see what they can't and protect them from it. 

If only he wasn't so horrible at it. 

-

It's late and everyone is upset. 

They're upset at him, not that it's unwarranted. 

"Sometimes I don't know how you live with yourself." Adam had said, and Gansey had wanted to say  _neither do I_ , but he hadn't. And Adam has long since shut himself in Noah's room, but that doesn't mean that he's stopped speaking. The phrase comes at him from all directions, loud and unceasing. Gansey tries to block it out, but his hands do nothing to help. 

He crawls out of bed to grab his ipod and puts in the earbuds, turned up loud, and it doesn't matter what's playing, as long as it blocks out the whispers.

He curls in on himself, limbs a mess as he presses the side of his head against his pillow, looking out into the stark emptiness of the room. There are growing shadows in the corner, telling him not to sleep. 

But he hasn't slept in days, and he's tired, and he doesn't particularly want to stay awake in the first place. He wants to go to sleep and forget, even temporarily, that all of this has happened, and he wants silence. The music only blocks out so much. He makes a vague attempt to stay awake, because he  _has_ to even if he doesn't want to, but his eyes are closing without him really realizing it. 

When Noah wakes him up later, they give him a meaningful look that says that he should have listened to them, that says that this is his fault. 

He doesn't have to say out loud that he knows for them to be aware of that fact. 

-

Gansey had looked away from Adam, and when he looked back, it wasn't Adam standing there anymore. 

There is something  _different_ about him, and it's not good. It's wrong. 

Not bad, not quite, but wrong. 

This isn't Adam. 

And Gansey needs to  _fix_ it, but he doesn't know how, and all he can do is wrap his arms around himself, digging his fingers into his upper arm, and ask why. 

Adam speaks, and it's not his voice. 

" _This is your fault._ ", says Adam's real voice from somewhere over Gansey's shoulder, and he turns to look. Hoping distantly that maybe the Adam in front of him really was never Adam to begin with, but he can't see anything before Blue is shouting and pulling him into a tree. 

 _Adam is still out there, they left Adam out there_ , and when Gansey fights his way free, Adam-not-Adam is the one standing there, and Gansey can't help the rush of disappointment that swallows him when he can't find the Adam that had spoken to him moments before. 

There's a body crumpled in the dirt. 

Gansey gets the urge to touch it, just to check and make sure it's there. He can't make himself move. 

This isn't real, this can't be happening. This has to be some kind of a nightmare, he's had worse before, but nothing is happening. He's not waking up. The shadows in the trees shift, they speak. 

Apparently they know where a buried king is, and Gansey is too dizzy and shell-shocked to particularly care. 

-

The ride home is silent and tense, and Gansey's nose is full of blood and dirt and he cannot for the life of him figure out where it's coming from. 

It feels burned into his skin along with a layer of grime. 

A man was dead. That was real. They left his body in the forest, where it had landed. 

Like he had left Noah seven years before. 

Gansey wonders if it's their blood that he smells. 

He tightens his grip on the steering wheel and tries not to think about the forest at all. 

-

It's much later that Gansey realizes that there's technically nothing stopping him from telling the others, now. 

They've seen as much as he has. They all have undeniable proof that the ley lines and Glendower are  _real_ , and not something that Gansey has hallucinated. 

They  _know_ , and he could tell them about everything else. 

He doesn't know what good it would do. And there's a piece of him that protests the thought vehemently, nothing good can come from letting them know. Even if they believe him about Glendower, wouldn't it call into question everything else that he said or did beyond that? 

He doesn't know, but he wants to tell them. He feels almost obligated to, what if, one day, he messes up, and needs them to know. Wouldn't it be better to tell them beforehand? When it was simply new information, and not a betrayal? And besides, they could help. 

But Gansey doesn't quite deserve help, and considering everything that's happened lately, speaking up now would seem almost attention seeking. Everyone has enough to deal with, they don't need to deal with him on top of everything else. He's been taking care of himself for this long, he can continue for as long as he needs to, and no one needs to find out. 

He considers it, briefly, out in the forest with everyone there, it would be easy, since they're all together. 

But Ronan says, "I guess now would be a good time to tell you, I took Chainsaw out of my dreams." And Gansey reads between the lines for the message meant for him, to keep his problems to himself, because now, at least, is not the time for this secret to be spilled. 

There are, as usual, other, more important, things to be doing. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the second chapter: by popular request!  
> 

Gansey's panic is a physical wall between Noah's and Gansey's room that Noah can sense before he can even get close enough to witness it. 

As he ventures out hesitantly, he's able to see Gansey's crumpled form in his bed, arms wrapped around his head and knees pulled up almost to his forehead. Even closer and Noah can see him trembling, hear him whispering something to himself repetitively. 

"What's wrong?" Noah asks, and Gansey startles, his hands whipping away from his head as he turns and looks at Noah with wide, watering eyes. 

"Headache." Gansey says after a pause slightly too long to be normal, and Noah knows this is a lie. 

It's a lie, and Noah should call him out on it, but he hesitates to. He looks at Gansey, who hates to have his problems acknowledged because he seems to believe that he doesn't _deserve_ to have his problems acknowledged, which Noah also knows is a lie. 

So the hesitation is short before Noah clambers into Gansey's bed, awkwardly reigning in his long uncoordinated limbs, ready to get up and leave if Gansey really wants him to. But Gansey doesn't protest, and as Noah wraps his arms around the smaller boy, he presses himself against Noah's chest, one of his hands shifting to grab onto the rumpled sweater that Noah wears. 

They are quiet, and then Noah feels a tiny sob shudder through Gansey's rigid body, and his long silent chest clenches painfully. 

He tightens his grip and presses his cheek against the top of Gansey's head and prays to  _somebody_ to keep this boy safe and help him feel better, quickly.

-

Adam knocks on the door to Monmouth, and waits. 

No one answers the door. 

He tilts his head towards the side of the building to verify that the Pig is actually there, and it is, parked in its usual spot, so he knocks again harder. 

This time when he gets no response, he simply forces the door open. 

He had assumed that Gansey was working and hadn't heard the door, and when Adam looks around, he _is_ at his desk, but it doesn't look like he's working. His body is utterly still, one hand is pressed to the wooden top of the desk, the other steadying him on the wall, his eyes wide and blankly staring at the mess of papers. 

"Gansey?" Adam calls hesitantly, and Gansey doesn't seem to register the sound at all, doesn't show any outward signs that he'd heard a thing. 

Adam bites his lip. This feels decidedly familiar. 

But he can't work out where a boy like  _Gansey_ picked up a habit like  _dissociating_. 

He decides to think about it later, because right now it doesn't matter, he focuses instead on steeling himself as he approaches the oddly still form of his friend. 

He places a hand carefully on Gansey's shoulder, "Gansey?" he says again, and this time Gansey makes a faint noise of questioning; a soft, confused hum. 

"Do you know where you are?" Adam asks, and Gansey doesn't respond, doesn't even look up from the desk, and Adam snaps his fingers until Gansey makes eye contact with apparently herculean effort. 

The distant, empty stare is faintly chilling, and Adam wonders if this is what  _he_ looks like when this happens to him.

"Do you know where you are?" He repeats, and this time Gansey's eyes flicker around the building, seeming to take it in for the first time. 

"Monmouth," Gansey says, his syllables soft and slurred, but what's important is the fact that he's answering. 

"Great," Adam responds, squeezing Gansey's shoulder firmly, "Fantastic. Hey, can you count the buildings that you have over here? You've made more since the last time I came over."

It's true, and Gansey shifts slightly so that he can see the entirety of the paper town. His voice is dull and unsteady as he begins, but it gets stronger the higher he counts, until he's finished and asking, "Adam?" trying to look without dislodging the hand on his shoulder. 

"Yeah, it's me. Good to see you back." 

Gansey's brow furrows with confusion, and then distress as he seems to recall what had happened. He pulls away from Adam, shrinking in on himself before forcibly straightening and Adam watches him pull out his calm and collected facade out from  _somewhere_ , and Adam would have been fooled if he couldn't remember what Gansey had looked like only moments before. 

"I'm sorry you had to see that." Gansey says, voice almost perfect, but Adam can hear the faint tremor that he's trying to hide. "I was just... distracted."

'Distracted' is not the word that Adam would have used, but he's as unsettled by the incident as Gansey is, and doesn't particularly mind ignoring it if that's what Gansey wants. "No problem."

Gansey's shoulders slump slightly in relief before he forces them straight again, and he asks, "Did you need something?" 

Adam is pretty sure that he had, but he can't remember what it was. "Nothing important," he says, and Gansey doesn't seem to mind, he accepts it easily, moving on and searching out whatever new information he had managed to uncover, eager to share it, but before he can speak, Adam says, "Hey, you know I'm here if you need help, right?" 

Gansey turns to look at him, eyes raking over Adam's face searchingly, and his gaze softens at whatever he finds there. "Of course," he says, a gently crooked smile on his face. 

Adam can't shake the feeling that that's a lie, but he can't quite bring himself to call Gansey out on it. 

-

They're in the Pig, and Blue can tell that there's something wrong. 

Gansey is usually a flutter of movement as he drives, especially when he drives to Cabeswater. He's constantly moving, full of an eager restless energy and words that spill out in a steady flow, his hands frequently coming off of the steering wheel to gesture excitedly as he speaks.

Today he is not moving at all. His hands are gripping the steering wheel so tight that his knuckles have gone white with tension. 

She's about to ask if he's alright when he suddenly sucks in a panicked breath, jerking the steering wheel to the side and pulling over, putting the car in park quickly and then freezing. He sits there rigidly, not moving his gaze from the road in front of them. His chest moves in tiny bursts of barely there movements. 

"Gansey?" Blue's voice sounds panicked and she clears her throat, tries to sound calmer as she asks, "Gansey? What's wrong?" 

He turns his head jerkily to look at her, his eyes so wide she can see the whites of his eyes flashing with panic. "They're all over me," he whispers, so faintly she can barely hear it. He hasn't moved his hands away from the wheel or the gearshift. 

"Hey, what's wrong?" Blue asks again, reaching up to rest her hand on one of his carefully, pressing more firmly when he doesn't pull his hand away. 

His eyes meet hers, "I'm going to die," he says with a startling clarity that makes Blue's chest tighten painfully. While she searches for something to say, he pulls his hand out from under hers, raking the nails of both hands over his forearms hard enough to leave bright red marks in their wake. Trying to scrape something off?

"Gansey, wasps? Is it wasps?" She asks, and he nods frantically, eyes panicked and pleading, a choked noise caught in his throat. 

God, she's so out of her depth, but Blue nods, feigning like she knows what she's doing. "Alright, okay," she says, thinking fast, she takes his hands again, pulling on his arms until he straightens them out for her. He doesn't fight her, but he lets out another frightened noise that Blue hushes gently, "Hey, it's okay. I'm going to get them off, okay?" She lets go of his hands, and when he doesn't move his arms, she begins rubbing the flats of her palms up and down his arms, "Focus on my hands alright? Not anything else, okay?" 

She keeps up the steady motions, moving her hands in long firm strokes, "Is this helping?" she asks uncertainly, but he nods. "Great. Take deep breaths, alright? You're okay, I've got this." 

She's not sure how much time passes before Gansey hesitantly pulls his arms back, mimicking her movements and smoothing his own palms over his skin before looking back at Blue with a wrecked expression. 

"They're still there?" she asks, he shakes his head. 

"No," he says aloud, voice soft and trembling, "They're gone." He pauses, then. "Blue, I..."

"Hey," she interrupts, nudging him with her elbow. "Don't mention it." She grins and tries for some levity, "Just be grateful you have me, yeah?" 

"I'm always grateful to have you," he replies, with his usual straightforward bluntness that makes her heart clench a little. He hesitates, then asks, "We were going to visit the Ley Lines, correct?" 

"Yep," Blue says, sitting forward again and propping her boots up on the dashboard. "And hurry, if we let Ronan get there first, he's going to be an asshole about it." 

She wants to ask him what the hell that had been, but she gets the feeling that if she asks, she'll only upset him and likely won't get an answer anyway, so she doesn't say anything. Just lets him drive on and pretend like he's okay. 

But ignoring problems is no way to handle them, and Blue is going to get her answers some day.

Just maybe not today.

-

Ronan is listening to music when the sound of arguing from the next room catches his attention. 

At first he's irritated, then he's confused, because he doesn't remember anyone significant enough to argue with coming over today, or that anyone had plans to come over at all. 

So he's not entirely sure who he was expecting to find, when he goes to look, but it wasn't been Gansey. 

 _Only_ Gansey. 

Ronan leans against his doorway, headphones draped around his neck, and watches with narrow eyes, trying to figure out what's going on. 

Gansey is sprawled in his chair at his desk, books and papers laying in scattered forgotten piles around him. He has one hand pressed over his ear, the other is rubbing over his lip anxiously. "No," he's saying tearfully, "I apologized." 

Ronan sighs, digging his phone out of his pocket and scrolling through his songs until he finds the one he's looking for. He walks over, slapping his hand on Gansey's shoulder, who startles, hands falling away from his face as his eyes go wide, "Ronan?" he asks, as Ronan pulls his headphones off. 

"Hey, I need to show you this song." Ronan says plainly, holding out the headphones, one eyebrow raised. 

Gansey looks up at him in confusion, then flinches at something that Ronan doesn't hear, and accepts the proffered headphones, setting them over his ears with a guilty look to his side. 

Ronan ignores it all, hitting play and turning up the volume until he can hear the music pouring out of the speakers from where he's squatting in front of Gansey's chair. Gansey winces slightly at the volume, but relaxes into it only a few seconds later. 

The two of them sit there together. Songs come and go, and neither of them move. 

-

Adam is exhausted as all hell and driving home when he gets the phone call. 

He answers without looking at the caller ID, attempting to stuff down his initial flare of irritation. The absolute cacophony of noise on the other line takes him a while to sort through. There are several people talking, it's possible that someone is crying, and Ronan's voice is the most prominent, growling, "Adam, we need you to get your ass over here." 

"What?" Adam tries and fails to work out what's going on, "Why?"

"Because Gansey is losing his shit and won't listen to any of us when we say that you're okay." Comes Ronan's snapped reply, "Just get here, alright? Faster the better." And then he hangs up before Adam finds anything else to say. 

Not that there's really anything _to_ say to that. Adam huffs out a breath as he does a likely absolutely illegal U-turn and speeds off towards Monmouth wondering how he managed to find friends whose concern for him ran this fucking deep.

When he arrives, he walks in without bothering to knock, and halts in the doorway. Gansey is standing next to the couch, face flushed and hand in a white knuckled grip with someone on the couch that's out of Adam's line of sight, and when he sees Adam, his body visibly slumps in relief, then tenses once more. "Adam?", he asks, like he isn't sure. 

"Yeah." Adam says, at the same time Blue peers over the back of the couch and confirms with a "Yep." Adam approaches the couch hesitantly, and offers his fist to Gansey, who eyes it suspiciously for a moment before the look fades and he bumps it with his own fist awkwardly. 

Ronan slaps his palm against the floor next to where he's sitting to get everyone's attention, "I'm starting the movie, sit your asses down." he orders, and Adam and Gansey share one more look before Gansey turns to sit on the couch next to Noah and Blue, who are pressed together on the couch. Blue has one of her legs thrown over Ronan's shoulder. 

And Adam considers the fact that he _could_ just leave and go on home, but he doesn't. He moves and sits down next to Ronan, leaning against the couch, and earns one of Noah's legs over his shoulder for the effort. 

The movie is some kid cartoon that Adam vaguely remembers watching at some point, but that no one is really paying attention to. Ronan, Noah, and Blue are engaged in a heated debate about some plot hole in the movie, and Gansey falls asleep about twenty minutes in.

Adam makes a vague attempt to watch the film, but winds up spending most of his energy focusing on trying to stay awake, up until Noah's leg jostles him purposefully. 

He cranes his neck backwards to look at them, his eyes resting on Gansey -who looks incredibly tiny where he's slumped against Noah's side- for a moment before shifting over to the others. 

"Thanks for coming." Blue whispers from where she's tucked under Noah's arm. 

"Of course." Adam replies muzzily, muffling a yawn behind one of his hands. 

"Are you going to try and head home?" 

He casts another glance over at Gansey, and decides, "No, I'll stay until he wakes up. Just in case." 

And if he winds up falling asleep and staying the night, well, no one is going to call him out on it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god, i love these kids. 
> 
> Also a quick note: you should ask before touching people, _especially_ if they're hallucinating.

**Author's Note:**

> [my tumblr](http://www.princex-n.tumblr.com)


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